In the opening monologue of his Wednesday show, FOX News host Tucker Carlson said Democrats spent months yammering on about a meaningless phone call that nobody outside of Twitter cared about and this is what they have wrought.
Good evening and welcome to Tucker Carlson Tonight. A lot going on tonight — it’s been an almost unbelievable 24 hours — but we’ll begin with a headline you could have written with total confidence months ago: “President Trump acquitted by U.S. Senate.” Impeachment is finally over. The result was never in doubt. The whole thing was like watching the Titanic. No matter what happens in the opening scenes, you know the boat’s going to sink in the end. No matter how fervently Democrats wished otherwise, the president was always going to remain in office. As predicted, both impeachment articles failed in the Senate today. Obstruction of Congress went down 53 to 47. The abuse of power charge failed 52 to 48. A lone Republican, as you may have read, defected and joined the Democrats. That senator shall go unnamed on this show, on the grounds that silly moral preening shouldn’t be rewarded with the publicity it’s designed to garner. An overwrought ethics lecture from a private equity guy? Next thing you know, some payday loan sleazeball will be telling us we’re going to Hell. It’s just too absurd, even for the ludicrous moment we’re living in. We’ll take that seriously just as soon as we decide Al Sharpton is a legitimate moral voice.
Back in reality, now that impeachment’s over, maybe we can have our country back. From last September until today, Ukraine was the only thing that mattered in Washington. That’s an awful lot of wasted time. For perspective, it’s more time than America spent declaring, fighting, and winning the Spanish-American War. So what did we get for it in the end? Nothing, really. No tangible benefits. We did learn quite a bit about some of the characters involved in the farce. We found out that Adam Schiff is a budding thespian. Who knew? We learned that Nancy Pelosi isn’t simply the leader of a political party. She’s also a woman of profound faith, as well as bottomless sadness. Her days are consumed by praying and weeping:
PELOSI: This is a very sad time for our country. I say this to you with great sorrow and prayerfully .
PELOSI: First let me say that this is no cause for any joy. This is a sad time for our country.
PELOSI: It’s really sad. We have to be very prayerful. I pray for the president all the time.
PELOSI: This is a very sad time for our country. There’s no joy in this. It’s sad.
Wow. Not a breezy person, that Nancy Pelosi. Thankfully, now that impeachment has ended, Pelosi can resume her life of spiritual contemplation. She’ll be returning to her vestry duties at the Church of Third Trimester Abortion on Market Street. We wish her well.
If there’s any good news to come from impeachment, it’s that we now know what really matters to our leaders in Wasington. If you guessed, “your safety, happiness and wellbeing,” we’re going to have to pause for a moment to giggle bitterly. No, it’s definitely not that. What really matters to them — and you knew this — is the nation of Ukraine, which is somewhere near Russia. As we’ve often been told these past five months, it is our highest and most sacred duty is to support the people of Ukraine. Needless to say, that includes giving them sophisticated weapons systems whenever they ask — and never, ever delaying the delivery of those weapons, even for a moment. Listen to honorary Ukrainian Adam Schiff explain:
SCHIFF: The widely accepted fact of Ukraine's importance to our national security makes President Trump's abuse of power and withholding of vital diplomatic and military support all the more disturbing.
SCHIFF: We only deter Russia by consistently demonstrating support for our friends. Friends like Ukraine.
SCHIFF: That is why it is so important to our security that we stand with Ukraine.
SCHIFF: Countries like Ukraine are fighting our fight against authoritarianism. (edit) and God help us if it's not our fight still.
God help us if we ever abandon Ukraine! Hilarious. Imagine if Democrats gone in another, more conventional direction. Drop the Ukraine talk and instead spent the last five months working on the student loan disaster, lowering insurance premiums, and helping young people build functioning families. But no. They ignored all that. Instead they yammered on for months about some meaningless phone call. Nobody outside Twitter ever cared. The country was always bored by it. After a few months, voters became annoyed, and then disgusted. The final result was as predictable as today’s vote: A new Gallup poll shows the president with the highest approval rating of his presidency. Higher than the day he was inaugurated. Democrats did that. Impeachment didn’t just fail. It helped the man they hate. Of course it did. Like Titanic, the ending was obvious from the opening credits.