Maher: Oprah Winfrey Is The Only Sure Winner For Democrats In 2020

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Bill Maher implores Oprah Winfrey to run for president: "I have Nate Silvered the shit out of this, and I am telling you, at this particular moment in history and in this particular election year, she is the only candidate who is a sure-thing winner for the Democrats."

"Never underestimate the power of being in people's living rooms for decades," Maher said. "That's what got Trump elected. This is now an as-seen-on-TV country."





"There really is no underestimating the power of celebrity in modern American politics," he continued. "It’s not the way it’s supposed to be, it's not the way I’d like it to be, but we officially live in a post-literate, post-truth, star-f*cker society, and this is going to be the dirtiest campaign ever."

BILL MAHER: And finally, New Rule: Sometimes you don’t choose history, history chooses you. That was my theme two months ago when the Mueller report came out; that in light of a rubber stamp Senate and a stooge Attorney General, it fell to Robert Mueller alone to right the ship of state. Mueller heard that call from history and let it go to voicemail.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

MAHER: In the upcoming election, I believe history has chosen another person who, like Mueller, is uniquely qualified to perform the urgent task of unseating Trump. By twist of fate, only this person checks all the boxes and positively answers the question I often hear posed: Who do the Democrats have that we know can beat Trump? And there really is only one answer to that…and it’s not Joe Biden. I like Joe, but if we give him the keys, there’s at least a 50 percent chance he gets in the car and mows down a farmer’s market.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

MAHER: Also, young people look at him like a typewriter is running for President.

(LAUGHTER)

MAHER: So I can’t say Joe is a sure thing. Neither can I say that about Elizabeth Warren, who I like even more. But she’s a three-syllable woman in a one-syllable country. A lot of, a lot of Americans see a woman with a bunch of plans, who seems to know everything, making demands for change, and they think “I already have a wife.”

(LAUGHTER)

MAHER: Bernie Sanders is an American hero in my book. But he’s an…But…

(APPLAUSE)

MAHER: …but he’s another one who has his cardiologist on speed dial.

(LAUGHTER)

MAHER: I like Mayor Pete but we must, but we must…

(APPLAUSE)

MAHER: …but we must ask the question: is America ready to be led by a gay teenager?

(LAUGHTER)

MAHER: He’s 37, he looks 27. He’s the only veteran who came back from Afghanistan looking refreshed.

(LAUGHTER)

MAHER: When he campaigns door-to-door, nobody answers because they’re afraid he’s a Mormon.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

MAHER: And I would be even more nervous if it was one of the dark horses in the race. Jay Inslee? I’ve never heard of him, and he’s been on this show twice.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

MAHER: I mean, I could keep going through the list. There’s lots of people I like. But when I ask, “a sure thing?” No. No, no, no, no, no, no. But then one night, when I was self-medicating…

(LAUGHTER)

MAHER: …a name appeared in the vapor above me. The only person who is a sure thing is Oprah Winfrey and…

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

MAHER: …and, look, I don’t say that because I am a giant fan. I’m not. Mostly…full disclosure…because back in 1997, when her show was a cash cow for ABC, and my show, Politically Incorrect, moved to that network, she demanded a second run of her show at night in the city of Chicago in what really was my time slot, which cost us in the ratings. But who gives a fuck now?

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

MAHER: That…that was a galaxy far, far away, and Darth Vader’s president now. What matters is Oprah alone checks all the boxes that a Democrat needs to win. One.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

MAHER: It is crucial to energize the African American base. Oprah? Uh, yeah. I think a little more than John Hickenlooper.

(LAUGHTER)

MAHER: She’ll make black polls rise like a Kardashian.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

MAHER: Two: the majority of all voters are women, and 58 percent of the Democratic electorate is women, so does Oprah energize women?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

MAHER: Ya think? Women love Oprah more than they love those shops that only sell macaroons.

(LAUGHTER)

MAHER: I think we have an artist’s rendering of a polling place on Election Day with Oprah on the ballot.

(LAUGHTER)

MAHER: If Oprah’s running, don’t get in the way of women on Election Day, or you’ll be seeing the color purple.

(LAUGHTER)

MAHER: Three: Oprah doesn’t scare white men. She’s not their first choice…that’s Kenny Chesney…

(LAUGHTER)

MAHER: But never underestimate the power of being in people’s living rooms for decades. That’s what got Trump elected. This is now a “as seen on TV” kind of country. White men may not love Oprah, but she’s as comfortable and familiar as a pair of cargo shorts with an elastic waistband.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

MAHER: If you’re talking about the suburban dad in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, with an above-ground pool, three shotguns, a singing fish on the wall, and a sign that says “fuck the dog, beware of owner,” he may not be crazy about any of the Democrats running, but if he’s fed up with Trump, I know he would vote for Oprah. Because he knows if he doesn’t, his wife will never blow him again.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

MAHER: There really is no underestimating the value of celebrity in modern American politics, and that’s the final box that Oprah checks. I know some voters don’t want a “celebrity President,” but, face it, that rule went out the window in 1980 when Bonzo’s co-star got elected.

(APPLAUSE)

MAHER: It’s not the way it’s supposed to be, it’s not the way I’d like it to be, but we officially live in a post-literate, post-truth, star-fucker society. And this is going to be the dirtiest campaign ever. I worry most what Trump is going to say about the nominee. For example, Elizabeth Warren has gone to great lengths to declare herself not a socialist. “I am a capitalist to my bones,” she says. So, of course, Trump will call her a socialist 30 times every day until the election. But no one worries about Oprah being a socialist. Have you seen the home in Montecito?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

MAHER: And that’s just the guest house.

(LAUGHTER)

MAHER: But this is not an open letter to Oprah. I know she isn’t running, and I’m not begging her to, that would be for someone else to do. I’m just saying I have Nate Silvered the shit out of this, and I am telling you that at this particular moment in history, in this particular election year, she is the only candidate who’s a sure-thing winner for the Democrats. No pressure.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

MAHER: I’m just…I am just “putting it out into the universe,” like in that book she used to promote “The Secret.” And you know what the secret was? That Americans will buy anything if Oprah tells them to.

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