In his editorial New Rule, Bill asks for help from the only person who might be able to knock out Donald Trump: Melania. Maher askes the first lady to leave President Trump, preferably for a Mexican.
BILL MAHER: And finally, new rule. Melania Trump must do what dozens of buildings around the world have done and take the Trump name off. So far --- so far, over a dozen Republican candidates tried to stop Trump and couldn’t. Hillary couldn’t. Never Trumpers couldn’t. Mueller couldn’t. Is there anyone left who can check Donald Trump? Yes, Melania. It’s not anti-feminist to say that in addition to doing everything men can do intellectually, women also have another power: the power of the ultimatum; getting men to change their destructive ways by threatening to leave them, humiliate them, or cut them off in bed. It’s a tale as old as time. [LAUGHTER] In the ancient Greek play “Lysistrata,” women end a war by denying sex to their men. It was the original “Bush doctrine.” [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] Melania, the world needs you. President Hellboy has proved to be impervious to facts, reason, shame, and the law, but maybe if you left him for another man, especially if that man was Mexican -- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] -- maybe he would implode on his own. Maybe it falls to you now, Melania, you can end this reign of terror and all you have to do is channel your inner Taylor Swift and walk out the door. [APPLAUSE]
You know you wanna. Your unhappiness is obvious. You despise his creepy little monkey fingers touching your hand. So kick him to the curb. Slap away that hand for good. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] No more public embarrassment. No more porn stars. No more stealing your makeup. [LAUGHTER] Toss his boxy clown suits on the front lawn. Just tell him, “I’m leaving you, and I’m taking our child.” He would be stunned. “We have a child?” [LAUGHTER] Now, I know I’m probably dreaming, and Melania isn’t going to do any of this, but what if she had someone to do it with? Divorce is always easier in pairs. What if you had a buddy, Melania? Because there’s another former model who’s also married to a super-rich Republican monster: Mrs. Rupert Murdoch, Jerry Hall. And you two have a lot in common: Your husbands are ruining the world. [APPLAUSE]
Jerry, you’re married to the man who runs Fox News. You’re married to the man who made Brexit happen; the man who got Trump elected and keeps his base ignorant, the man who killed Australia’s carbon tax. I know he’s rich, but is it worth western civilization? You used to be married to Mick Jagger, and now you’re married to a guy who looks like Keith Richards let himself go. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
You went from “Start Me Up” to make a dead man come. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] From “Jumping Jack Flash” to a guy with gas, gas, gas. [LAUGHTER] Jerry, you left Mick because he was fucking everything that moved, but Rupert’s fucking the whole planet. The axis of evil in the world now is Trump and Fox News. We have a government propaganda channel now. It’s impossible to even tell who’s wearing the head in this horse costume. Trump hears some demonstrably false nonsense from some crank guest on Fox and tweets it out as fact, or he gets a brain fart and belches it out at a rally and Fox backs that up. They’re on this insane feedback loop. They’re like that couple that keeps giving each other herpes.[LAUGHTER]
So girls, you gotta step up. We have tried everything, but the more we resist these two menaces, the stronger they get. They’re like the Night King in “Game of Thrones,” only instead of commanding an army of brain-dead zombies... Okay, they’re exactly like the Night King. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] But I’m telling you, cavemen like Trump and Murdoch can’t handle one thing: an ego lashing. Rupert has been married four times, Trump three, some guys just can’t be alone. It’s like how some guys get used to being in prison; they can’t make it on the outside. They need to be married. When you’re Donald Trump, wives don’t leave you, you leave them. He would fall apart if she ever said, “Donald, there’s nothing keeping me here. I can’t love what you have become. And I found where you hid my passport.” [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] Imagine how nuts he would go if he had to see her in the press all the time: “The Trump Divorce: How Melania Lost 200 LBS of Flab.” [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] “Melania Better than Ever!” Says “‘I’ve never felt more not dead inside!’” [LAUGHTER] “Melania on Oscar De La Hoya: Best sex I ever had.”