BILL MAHER: When it comes to baited into going to war, America has to try a little harder to not being so fucking easy! Excuse me. Just a few months ago polls showed Americans were sick of war. They'd had enough. They were anxious to stay out of the Middle East. Then they saw two beheadings and over night and they were like, 'Oh, war, we can't stay mad at you.' You know, conservatives love to vilify anyone who doesn't want to immediately throw down as appeasers. But when you're dealing with terrorists whose aim is to bait us into overreaction and you oblige them, aren't you the appeaser?
Well, it's been 13 years since 9/11, the day when our first responders rushed into action and got all the Saudi Arabians out of the country. But we still don't seam to have learned that for terrorism to work it takes two. They're selling terror and boy are we buying. Lindsey Graham, the Senate's own Blanche Dubois is the scaredest person in the world. He and John McCain are like the ghost in Mr. Chicken.When there's lightning McCain has to let Lindsey in bed and sing to him the raindrops are roses song.
Lindsey said that ISIS is so all powerful that if the president doesn't rise to the occasion we're all going to get killed back here at home. He actually said that, and then collapsed onto his fainting couch.
Republican Trent Franks (R-Arizona) said that ISIS is currently on the U.S. border and there's no question that they have designs on coming into Arizona. Oh, my god, the brown people and the other brown people are going to hook up. Mexicans and ISIS sneaking into the country together -- they're going to cut our heads off with a hedge trimmer.
Now, look, I feel bad about the journalists who were killed. And I admired greatly their courage to go to the most dangerous place in the world. But it was their choice and when you choose to live among cut-throats you might get your throat cut. Do Americans living here really think they're going to be next? One day it happens in the desert outside of Mosul and the next thing you're standing in line for the new iPhone and [cut sound]? Get a grip!
Would we be this terrified if ISIS didn't make videos and wear black and have a scary name. ISIS. Sounds like they should be fighting the X-Men. ISIS, it's simultaneously cool-sounding and stands for pure evil. Like Monsanto. Monsanto, who we recently learned, puts an ingredient in Round-Up, their ubiquitous crop spray, called polyethoxylated tallow amine that is far more toxic than anyone realized. Folks, ISIS isn't going to kill you. Things like polyethoxylated tallow amine, that's what's going to kill you. But try selling that idea to the United States of Pantshitters.
Actually, to her credit last week, Hillary Clinton did try. Se said, 'climate change is the most consequential, urgent, sweeping collection of challenges we face,' a statement -- a statement that outraged Republicans because it contains the two things that they simply will not abide, science and truth.
I'm not saying that there aren't people out there who want us dead, I'm just saying there are much more likely killers right here. But for us, it's only real when it on a video that Anderson Cooper warns us not to watch and then shows 10,000 times.
'Our top story tonight -- boom! And when we come back, I've got your nose.'
But you know what? Climate change doesn't stand a chance because you can't capture rising sea levels on a six-second Vine video. What we need to do is to get a polar bear to punch someone in an elevator. (HBO's Real Time, September 19, 2014)