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#Occupy Wall Street: A Manifesto for [Insert Date]

#Occupy Wall Street: A Manifesto for [Insert Date]

By Barton Hinkle - October 14, 2011

"We meet every day to decide what our demands are."

— Hero Vincent, a Wall Street Occupier, quoted in The New York Times.

We are the union members, students, teachers, veterans and activists who make up the 99 percent of America, if you don't count everybody who is at work right now. We are the unemployed and the art majors and the interns for Rainforest Action Now!

Also we are the firefighters and the police officers and the paramedics, except none of them could be here on account of their fascist shift supervisors, but we know they are with us in spirit. (First responders, you guys rock!) We are the lost, the slightly disoriented, and the people who are pretty sure they know where they are if you'd just be quiet for one second and let us think, okay? Jeez.

Where were we? Oh yeah. We are the makers of homeopathic medicines. We are also the Druids. There's a couple of Zoroastrians around here somewhere, too (or at least that is what some of us think the tattoo on the one dude's neck means).

Also, we are that long-haired welder guy who makes bird sculptures out of rebar and old gardening equipment. We are Slightly Creepy Hippie Lady in a Van Who Sells Healing Crystals. We are the young woman with the piercings and the pink hair who just came from the D.C. Slutwalk. We are the guys in goatees and motorcycle boots who can't ride a motorcycle, who are hoping to score with Pink-Hair Girl.

We are the 99 percent. And we are Here to Stay.

The Corporate-Owned Media has been misleading people by telling everyone our objectives are unclear. That is a lie. We have been very clear. Superduper clear, in fact. Can't you, like, read our signs? Some of them are really witty, too; you should check them out.

Anyhow. Just to make sure there is NO MORE misunderstanding, here are our demands as of about 9 A. to the M. today.

(1) End corporate greed. Corporate greed is responsible for most of the poverty and suffering on this planet. (The bubonic plague and the Cambodian killing fields? Don't use your patriarchal "logic" on us, fascist.)

(2) No one is allowed to make more than the median income.

(3) Free health care for everybody. Starting . . . riiiiiight . . . NOW!

(4) Also: Free Mumia!

(5) Cancellation of all debts, but especially student debts. Corporations have no right to expect anything just because we agreed to pay the money back.

(6) Immediate regulation of Wall Street. Real regulation this time, like what Roseanne Barr said: Hand over the money or we cut off your head, pig.

(7) Universal peace, love, tolerance and understanding.

(8) Echinacea and bee pollen for everyone.

(9) No more offshoring.

(10) Also, no more racism.

(11) Or pollution.

(12) Or war.

(13) (Except for against the Zionist Entity.)

(14) In order to increase domestic manufacturing employment, repeal NAFTA and all other free-trade agreements.

(15) Also, outlaw interstate trucking.

(16) In fact, everybody should probably make everything they need at home. (Not counting iPads and stuff like that, because c'mon.)

(17) Democracy now!

(18) In union organizing campaigns, unions should be able to sign people up unless they specifically object in writing. (Certified letters only, in solidarity with the USPS. No email.)

(19) Take down the bull sculpture and replace it with a big pot of sunflowers, a sculpture of a koala bear (koalas = peace) or a sculpture of a guy in a business suit stepping on the face of a small child, because that is what corporations do. (We sort of split over which of these should be put in place of the bull. You guys decide.)

(20) Repeal Citizens United, which is, like, the weirdest decision ever.**

(21) A social wage. (Social wage = you get money just for being alive.)

(22) Fair taxation of rich people so they pay their fair share. ("Fair" = 2(n), where n = top marginal rate, whatever that happens to be at the moment.)

(23) Five dozen pizzas: four pepperoni, seven pepperoni and sausage, one double cheese, 11 chicken and pineapple, 37 veggie lovers, and we have a Groupon for this.

(24) The Councils of Workers', Soldiers' and Peasants' Delegates must at once take every practicable and feasible step for the realization of the Socialist program.

(25) Housing is a human right.

(26) Justice for Troy Davis. (Pretty sure we're too late on this, but Dana from Eau Clair insisted.)

(27) Eight hundred trillion dollars in public infrastructure investment, to be paid for by a windfall profits tax on the banking industry.

(28) Education is a human right.

(29) Stop offering to sell us stuff and then agreeing to take our money if we agree to buy it. Everything should be free.

(30) Something about Glass and Steven Seagal and Graham-Leach-Blakely. We think. Willow was taking notes at this point and she has the worst handwriting ever. (Sorry, Willow! )

(31) Wi-Fi is a human right.

(32) This list is not all-inclusive, but it's munchie time.

(33) (P.S. — Doughnuts are a human right, too.) 

Contact A. Barton Hinkle at (804) 649-6627 or bhinkle@timesdispatch.com.

Barton Hinkle

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