program" at Ridgeway Elementary School in Dodgeville, Wis.,
changed the lyrics of the Christmas carol "Silent Night"
to the more inclusive "Cold in the Night." ("Cold
in the night, no one in sight, winter winds whirl and bite.")
After this success, the program's next step will obviously be:
"O Holy Night" to "Uh-oh! Wholly night!" a
song about a lunar eclipse.
"O Little Town of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania."
(c) A song
celebrating the comeback of the American auto industry, "Mine
eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Ford."
(d) A ditty
about hoping for snow at the Panama Canal, "I'm dreaming
of a white isthmus."
name for Christmas trees is now:
pointy green things with needles and lights
have ruled that red and green cookies cannot be brought into class
in December because the color combination strongly suggests the
divisive sectarian feast day of Christmas. Therefore:
(a) Red cookies
may be brought to school. Green ones too. But, please, not on
the same day.
(b) A fruit
bowl containing just pears and cherries is a serious constitutional
matter and should be reported immediately to the ACLU, care of
the Christmas erasure desk.
(c) In December,
the San Francisco 49ers may not be shown playing the New York
Jets, except on black-and-white TV sets.
(d) All traffic
lights must be turned off until Jan. 1.
wise men in the Nativity scene are objectionable because:
fail the multicultural test. Though one is black, neither of the
other two is a disabled lesbian, wiccan or vegan.
Men" should be "Persons of Wisdom."
the first people to come to see Jesus as "wise" implies
that idiots can't become Christians, which experience tells us
is just not so.
believe Jesus came down to Earth and made himself human in order
(c) A festive
period between bowl games
(d) His birth
scene to be surrounded by plastic reindeer, elves and court-pleasing
end-of-year gift giving
songs that are easily converted into weather songs in Wisconsin
(g) The ACLU
to look a lot like:
is a lock to win the Super Bowl
down and permitting a full Nativity scene, a public library in
Memphis agreed to allow the scene, but only if the baby Jesus,
Joseph, Mary and the wise men were removed. This left a shepherd
boy and some farm animals. Next year the library will accept a
Nativity scene only if it consists of:
(a) A shepherd
boy and some chickens
(b) A shepherd
boy and some ferrets
(c) A shepherd
boy explaining that the head librarian in Memphis thinks with
a brain that may or may not be the result of Intelligent Design.