This is my first
annual Oscar predictions column, for which I am uniquely qualified
by not having seen a single one of the movies nominated in any
category. I've never even watched an Oscar ceremony, except once
when a friend called me 35 minutes into Halle Berry's acceptance
speech and I managed to catch only the last 20 minutes of it.
I shall grant my awards
based on the same criteria Hollywood studio executives now use
to green-light movies: political correctness. Also, judging by
most of the nominees this year, the awards committee prefers movies
that are wildly unpopular with audiences.
The box office numbers
for this year's favorite, "Brokeback Mountain," are
more jealously guarded than the nuclear codes in the president's
black box. Hollywood liberals want the government to release everything
we know about al-Zarqawi, but refuse to release the number of
people who have seen "Brokeback Mountain."
I shall summarize
the plots of the five movies nominated for best picture below:
"Brokeback Mountain"
(gay)
"Capote"
(death penalty with bonus gay lead)
"Crash"
(racism)
"Good Night,
and Good Luck" (McCarthyism)
"Munich"
(Jew athletes at Munich had it coming)
Everyone says it's
going to be "Crash," but I think "Crash" is
too popular with filmgoers. Moreover, Hollywood feels it has done
enough for the blacks. Hollywood can never do enough for the gays.
Gays in the military, gays in the Texas Rangers, gays on the range.
It's like a brokeback record! As Pat Buchanan said, homosexuality
has gone from "the love that dare not speak its name"
to "the love that won't shut up."
Is the idea of gay
cowboys really that new? Didn't the Village People do that a couple
of decades ago? Am I the only person who saw John Travolta in
"Urban Cowboy"?
Movies with the same
groundbreaking theme to come:
"Westward Homo!"
"The Magnificent,
Fabulous Seven"
"Gunfight at
the K-Y Corral"
"How West Hollywood
Was Won"
OK, back to predictions.
The best director award will go to ... Ang Lee, director of "Brokeback
Mountain." (For analysis, see above.) Also, this is gays
directed by an Asian, which should satisfy the gaysians. Hands
down: Ang Lee.
The nominees for best
actor in a leading role are:
Philip Seymour Hoffman,
"Capote"
Terrence Howard,
"Hustle & Flow"
Heath Ledger, "Brokeback
Mountain"
Joaquin Phoenix,
"Walk the Line"
David Strathairn,
"Good Night, and Good Luck"
The winner in this
category will be ... Philip Seymour Hoffman. The awards committee
can't give everything to "Brokeback Mountain," and at
least Truman Capote was gay (though not a cowboy). I personally
would have chosen the lion in the Narnia movie, but he wasn't
even nominated.
The nominees for best
actress in a leading role are:
Judi Dench, "Mrs.
Henderson Presents"
Felicity Huffman,
"Transamerica"
Keira Knightley,
"Pride & Prejudice"
Charlize Theron,
"North Country"
Reese Witherspoon,
"Walk the Line"
I gather Reese Witherspoon
is very good in "Walk the Line," but that's irrelevant
-- this is the Oscars! Felicity Huffman plays a pre-op transsexual
in "Transamerica." That strikes a chord in Hollywood.
It's not exactly gay, but close enough! I say Huffman wins.
For best actress in
a supporting role, Rachel Weisz ought to win for "The Constant
Gardener" because it's about how drug companies are evil,
which to me is the essence of quality acting. Plus, English accent
equals good acting. But Michelle Williams ("Brokeback Mountain")
is engaged to Heath Ledger, who played a gay guy in "Brokeback
Mountain." So I pick Weisz, with Williams as the dark-horse
favorite.
The best original
screenplay will be "Good Night, and Good Luck" as Hollywood's
final tribute to the old Stalinists (Hollywood's version of "The
Greatest Generation"). George Clooney has been mau-mauing
the awards committee by going around boasting that conservatives
have called him a "traitor," although I believe the
precise term was "airhead."
Finally, my favorite
category: best foreign language film. The nominees are:
"Don't Tell"
(Italy)
"Joyeux Noel"
(France)
"Paradise Now"
(Palestine)
"Sophie Scholl"
(Germany)
"Tsotsi"
(South Africa)
After consulting
with the Yale admissions committee, the awards committee will
give the Oscar to ... "Paradise Now," a heartwarming
story about Palestinian suicide bombers. How good is it? Al-Jazeera
gave it 4 1/2 pipe bombs. It's Air Syria's featured in-flight
movie this month -- go figure! I don't want to spoil the ending
for you, but let's just say there won't be a sequel.
Normally, the smart
money is on the Holocaust movie, so any other year, "Sophie
Scholl" would have been the clear favorite. Unfortunately
for the makers of "Sophie Scholl," their Holocaust movie
came out the same year as a pro-terrorist movie, so they lose.
As a final prediction,
for the second year, there will be no mention of Dutch filmmaker
Theo van Gogh, who was brutally murdered by an angry Muslim a
little over a year ago on the streets of Amsterdam. (Now that's
blacklisted!) I also predict this will be the lowest-rated Oscars
ever. Remember to turn off your cell phones, no talking ... or
sleeping.
Copyright
2006 Ann Coulter
Distributed
by Universal Press Syndicate
